Settling

I was speaking with a friend today, well more of an acquaintance really since I have still yet to meet her in person. I invited her out to the panel, since I figured it would be a good place for her to re-enter the scene at and enjoy some friendship and meet so many new people! She stated she could not attend, her boyfriend was not happy when she would attend kink related events. "Oh... well that sucks." She agreed, it made her upset. So I pondered upon it, why would you stay with someone who wanted you to cut off your own arm? Why remain with someone who made you happy in a variety of ways but in one you lost a limb. It was because you were settling for this person. You had decided that this is all you deserved to have.

I was, honestly, a little upset by this. Here is a person who I can see is attractive, has a good mind and seems to have a lot of fun, so why have I never seen her at an event. The answer was received and I felt bad for her situation. She thought she deserved no better. That since a vast majority of her friends have already been betrothed and loved by people that make them happy and that she has not, that she must not be worthy of that kind of joy. That she must always settle for something that is less than what she truly deserves to make her happy. Now, this is not to say that the individual she is with is not a great person, he might well be the Grand Pubar of all things awesome and vanilla. But she is not vanilla, she is of another flavor and must find the complimentary cone and sprinkles.

I know how she feels though. I have felt that. The belief that I have done so many bad things that I deserve to be treated badly, to be cast aside when the 'better' option comes along. Yet that is not true, not in the least. Many a time it has been false and an outright lie. Yes, I have done bad things, some may seem them as terrible things, but that does not mean that I am a terrible person. That I am unworthy of happiness and joy. So I took a risk. I stepped outside my comfort zone and stopped chasing her, them. Let her be happy with the choice that she had made and moved forward with my life and was alone.

For months at a time I would be alone as I worked for myself. Appeasing myself with empty connections that I knew would go no where. Finding a 'fix' of social needs and moving towards improvement. Towards making myself better so that I would be happy without someone there with me.

That is the key. To be happy in your loneliness. For if you can be happy when you are alone. Truly happy. Not a smile and "I'm fine" but honestly happy with your situation and not driven to be smiling so people stop asking. It takes some time, some thought and inner searching but it can be done. I have done it on many occasions, not simply because I had become lonely from the situation, but because I had to improve myself. Make myself better.

So I worked on my inner joy and obtained it. I worked on my love of self and now I love myself now more than ever before. For if I am not happy alone. If I cannot love myself. If I cannot find my own self attractive. All within my loneliness or sadness or any negativity, then how can someone find me to be so as well? They may, yet just as my false bravado of those emotions during that time not being true will dwindle and fizzle so would their attraction to that which I falsely portray.

So, take that step. Be alone and love yourself, enjoy yourself and find yourself to be attractive. You are worthy of so much more. Everyone is. Never settle for the bottom of the barrel, the rotten fruit, the molded crumbs. For you will always, ALWAYS, find that there is better out there for you. You must simply let go of the negative so that you may find the positive.