Settling

I was speaking with a friend today, well more of an acquaintance really since I have still yet to meet her in person. I invited her out to the panel, since I figured it would be a good place for her to re-enter the scene at and enjoy some friendship and meet so many new people! She stated she could not attend, her boyfriend was not happy when she would attend kink related events. "Oh... well that sucks." She agreed, it made her upset. So I pondered upon it, why would you stay with someone who wanted you to cut off your own arm? Why remain with someone who made you happy in a variety of ways but in one you lost a limb. It was because you were settling for this person. You had decided that this is all you deserved to have.

I was, honestly, a little upset by this. Here is a person who I can see is attractive, has a good mind and seems to have a lot of fun, so why have I never seen her at an event. The answer was received and I felt bad for her situation. She thought she deserved no better. That since a vast majority of her friends have already been betrothed and loved by people that make them happy and that she has not, that she must not be worthy of that kind of joy. That she must always settle for something that is less than what she truly deserves to make her happy. Now, this is not to say that the individual she is with is not a great person, he might well be the Grand Pubar of all things awesome and vanilla. But she is not vanilla, she is of another flavor and must find the complimentary cone and sprinkles.

I know how she feels though. I have felt that. The belief that I have done so many bad things that I deserve to be treated badly, to be cast aside when the 'better' option comes along. Yet that is not true, not in the least. Many a time it has been false and an outright lie. Yes, I have done bad things, some may seem them as terrible things, but that does not mean that I am a terrible person. That I am unworthy of happiness and joy. So I took a risk. I stepped outside my comfort zone and stopped chasing her, them. Let her be happy with the choice that she had made and moved forward with my life and was alone.

For months at a time I would be alone as I worked for myself. Appeasing myself with empty connections that I knew would go no where. Finding a 'fix' of social needs and moving towards improvement. Towards making myself better so that I would be happy without someone there with me.

That is the key. To be happy in your loneliness. For if you can be happy when you are alone. Truly happy. Not a smile and "I'm fine" but honestly happy with your situation and not driven to be smiling so people stop asking. It takes some time, some thought and inner searching but it can be done. I have done it on many occasions, not simply because I had become lonely from the situation, but because I had to improve myself. Make myself better.

So I worked on my inner joy and obtained it. I worked on my love of self and now I love myself now more than ever before. For if I am not happy alone. If I cannot love myself. If I cannot find my own self attractive. All within my loneliness or sadness or any negativity, then how can someone find me to be so as well? They may, yet just as my false bravado of those emotions during that time not being true will dwindle and fizzle so would their attraction to that which I falsely portray.

So, take that step. Be alone and love yourself, enjoy yourself and find yourself to be attractive. You are worthy of so much more. Everyone is. Never settle for the bottom of the barrel, the rotten fruit, the molded crumbs. For you will always, ALWAYS, find that there is better out there for you. You must simply let go of the negative so that you may find the positive.

I want you

To want. A noun and a verb. A desire, to possess or to have something.

I want you.

A portrayal of a desire for someone that you do not have. Someone that you may not be able to have. Yet you have that desire and you speak of it. Bluntly, blatantly. Like the advertisements blazing along the roads and blaring  in our radios and on our TVs.

I want you.

To desire that they are a part of what it is you wish to do. To have them be a major piece on the board and not just a pawn in your life.

I want you.

You hear it over and over. That this is something that you should do with them because it is what they want, it is what you want. That this will fulfill a part of you that is yet to be filled. That is currently empty.

They say "I want you."

Me? I never wanted you. I need you.

A need is something that someone must have. That they cannot continue live without. You must have this thing, this person, this object for it is something that you cannot be without.

I need you.

You hear them say it loudly to that which they truly believe they need. They do not want this. "I need this so much" "I must have this" "Please... I need it"

I needed you. Now, I need something else.

I need the blood to flow through my veins as I am filled with excitement. I need the voice of another to cry out under my ministrations and I need it to happen frequently. I need you to miss me. I need you desire me something fierce.

I want you to smile. I want you to feel joy as I look into your eyes and smile. I want you to look at me and know peace. I want you to be there.

But above all else. Above all those needs and wants and desires there is only one thing that matters more.

I need you to need and want me.

How do you know?

You'll know because all the songs start to make sense.

You'll know because you have that fluttering feeling every time you think about them.

You'll know because you smile at the thought of spending just a moment with them.

You'll know because when you kiss them nothing else matters.

You'll know because every touch is like fireworks upon your skin.

You'll know because you will have found a reason.

A reason to breath.
A reason to eat.
A reason to laugh.
And smile.
To run.
To walk.

You'll know because everything matters that much more.

You'll know because you'll wish the time you spent with them was just a moment longer.

You'll know you love them because it all just makes sense.

So, when you ask me "How do you know" I'll tell you how I knew. I knew because there was no other option, there was no other feeling than that moment.

I knew... because my heart told me it knew. My brain told me to follow me heart.. and my soul? My soul was whole for that moment in time. My soul was happy. For when the soul is happy, your spirit, your essence. When that is filled with joy and energy and love... you will know.

You'll know.

"Look at that ass!" "Take em off" "Mmmm yummy"

So, its a Friday night and I decided to stay in because well... its snowing and I do not feel like dealing with all the hubbub and risk of getting hit. Though, I would like a new car.... ANYWAYS, so I decide to start browsing fetlife, looking at the pictures my friends like and the videos that catch my eye or perhaps a good writing here and there. Now, I like to look at pictures of people as much as the next lad or lass, but there is a shockingly disturbing pattern I notice.

"My cum would look good on that" (tits, bits or ass)
"Mmm, yummy" (in reference to cock shots)
"Sexy"
"Hawt"
"My cock would look great in there"

That's just the general idea of the comments I have found and I see it to be a bit lacking and crass, then a quote from a movie comes to mind.

“So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do.” —Dead poets society

With that quote I am led to some rather interesting thoughts myself on why I rarely comment on pictures and the comments I leave are generally feedback or on pictures that are memes or witty in nature. Yet when I find a picture of a man or a woman that I find desirable and I wish to comment, I simply will not.

Why?

It is because I can never think of the words that would justify the person that I find to be desirable at this moment. Sure, I could go always go with the stand by compliments of "You're hot, beautiful, sexy, attracitve, nice (tits/bits/ass) etc etc" but I simply will not bring myself to do it for one very good reason.

Language was invented to woo people. To make them fall in love with the words that you speak, and in the endeavors I wish to move forth with, laziness will not do. So I struggle and I fight in every thing I write and say to include such beautiful and intrinsic words. I rarely say that I am "so very tired" I will say that "I am exhausted from the rigorous workout I had during lunch." Or perhaps that I am not sad, instead that "My thoughts have left me somber and I need to be left alone for now."
Yet, with the progression of society I see that we are moving away from the multisyllabic words and are gradually moving towards a lazier way of speaking.

lol
bbl
ttfn

I find it distressing and sorrowful. That we as a people are gradually moving towards a more basic trail of thought and no longer wish to procure a higher level of vocabulary. Well, I for one will continue on my course to a larger vocabulary.

I hope you join me on it.