Why did you do that?

Sometimes I sit here and I think about the things I've done in my past. I'm sure you do it too. How can someone not? Are there not things you wish you had not done? Things that you wish that, maybe... just maybe had gone differently? Sure there are. If there aren't, then I honestly envy you and your lack of bad choices and regret. You are the perfect human. (Please read that with sarcasm.... no one is perfect.)

I look back and I remember the things I've done. I've cheated and made others cheat. I've backed out of sports, social activities, obligations. I've ran. Both to and from things. I've pushed. I've fallen. I've failed. O, how I have failed in my life. I cannot count how many times I've done something and it turned into a miserable failure. The worst of my life, I would say. How could I have messed up THAT badly? How could I have done so miserably, that everything has just collapsed. I am a terrible person for doing that, for making that mistake, for allowing bad to happen, for being the bad that happened.

So what.

Huh? What do you mean by that? Why am I so nonchalant about it? I made massive errors in my life. Some that people kill themselves over, hell I nearly do a time or two. But, you know what? So. The. Fuck. What. People make mistakes, I've made some pretty damn big ones honestly. Some that I really shouldn't have made and that, honestly, will haunt me to my grave. Hell, there are about 3 things that only I and the person I hurt directly know that no one else will ever know. Why? Well, because I am ashamed of who I was at that point in my life. I was a monster, the worst.

But, I grew.

 I began to do something, I learned from people. Some people that never even existed. How is that possible? How did I learn from something that didn't exist? Well, I learned from shows, Animes. Japanese Cartoons basically. The first Anime I ever watched was Rurouni Kenshin. Kenshin Himura, Himura the Battousai. He was a truly horrid monster. You don't know that when you first meet him at the beginning of the Anime, no, you see a kind, caring man walking the world alone for some unknown reason. He is kind, he is loving, he is soft and caring and he carries a reverse blade katana. A reverse blade Katana? What use is a sword that has the cutting edge on the inside and not the side that will contact with enemies? You see, Kenshin was not always a Rurouni, a wandering Samurai, he

was the Battousai. A man slayer. Feared by many. He was known to single handedly slay hundreds, killing so many that he was bathed in blood. He was a horrible person. Then, he was sent away, under cover, to live alone with a woman and to be out of the way so that none would hunt him. He grew to love this woman, to become soft and caring. He had killed her husband, he didn't know it, but she did that is where Kenshin gets one of the lines on his cross shaped scar upon his face. At one point, a group abducts her, and Kenshin must try to save her... but she dies. In his arm. Before she does, she completes the cross shaped scar on his face, marking him forever as the man who killed so many and was still unable to save one that he loved.

After that, he swore never to kill again, he put down his katana, and disappeared, no longer would he be the Battousai. A man slayer. No, now he would be a man of peace, never killing again. Never giving in to the carnal desire to slay no matter the enemy. He became a kind man, just calm and joyful Kenshin. And he taught me something. That you can be the monster, but that is not who you will always be. You may be a monster now, but you can choose to change. You can become someone better.

Sure, I used to be a monster. A truly horrible person tainted by what he had seen and done. But, I didn't have to stay that, and Kenshin taught me that. That I could change, that I could befriend people to be their friends, not to gain from them. Sure, it took me time... it will take anyone time to change their inner being. Are there times that I feel that monster? Yes. Do I give in to him? At times. Do I regret it? No, because I give in to him only on those who want him. I guess what I mean is, you can change, but you can never fully change, you will always host a remnant of who you were within you. Find an outlet for that part of you and let that outlet be the way it funnels its desires. Chain it, control it, conquer it.