All that's left

When the fall is all there is, it matters - The Lion in Winter

I was perusing a website, one I frequent less than I used to, and I went upon your profile and I saw this quote on your profile.

Unless you still follow this blog, you will probably not see this, and that is why I write it here.

When the fall is all there is, it matters. How true a line I find this to be. How true I find this statement for the when the fall is all that remains left in the world that two people created, than it is all that matters. When the world that two had once made and were still in the process of creating in such a prolific manner, as creatures such as you and I are prone to do, falls in such a way, all that matters is how the fall was even possible. At least in my own eyes.

I remember from our early conversations, that you are a prolific reader. That you read swiftly all the things I had written and one of your first concerns was that I would write something scathing about you. Something filled with malice and distaste, but you did not know of the writings I did not write for those who did not have such negative impacts. Nay, I ne'er really wrote on those who impacted my life in a positive manner. To busy I was brooding over the negativity that my life was at those moments and to blinded by the harsh reality of life that I did not even consider that there was good worth writing about.

True, you can look at my writings and see that I wrote out such positive things. Yet, at the root of all these positive things what you do not see is the negative sadness that fueled their false message.  So here I write my first message of actual happiness, fueled in part by the sadness of its possible passing, for now it seems. Yet while the kindling of this message was sadness, the sticks and the logs of this message are made of joy and thoughtful remembrance of a time that passed so fleetingly, but in such an explosively joyful manner.

You showed me so many things E. You showed me what new things there were to taste. How flavors could be taken from such simple spices and combined into such magnificent pieces of work. You gave melodies to my ears that they had not had the chance or know how to hear. You gave my mind words that it did not remember, you forced its hand and you made it remember how it used to behave and how it wishes it could again. You rekindled the bravado of my speech and of my movement. You weakened heavily the chains that fantasy worlds had placed upon me and you tore me from a place that was comfortable into a place that I knew was true.

You had me recognize my strengths and my desires. You found a way into my mind that I had not yet found and you showed me things about myself that I could only have dreamed about finding on my own. You worked so much so to improve who I was and to show me new things that I fell upon your words and simply listened. To awestruck I was by your ever flowing intelligence. While you were a jack of all trades and mistress of none I still saw such true beauty and passion in you that I have not once seen in another. To long had I been accustomed to settling for "what I could have" and not "what I needed or wanted" in life.

You showed me that there is something out there that will suit Me. Someone out there that is worth every ounce of my time and effort for I am worth theirs. True, perhaps you are not it for I or I for you, but you showed me that it is possible to find that person.... and for that, I thank you greatly Mon Amie.

Thank you.

It hurts to die.

It hurts to die, just a little, just for a few moments in comparison to our life's. Yet.... it hurts oh so much to live.

Life hurts, it is one of the brutal truths of our existence. To continue to go on with our mundane day to day existence is to continue when the odds may be stacked against us. To move forward and trudge along, pushing through the pain and agony for that pain and agony is not something that lasts forever. It is a temporary pain, a moment in time that passes as swift as the arrow pierces the flesh.

Suicide is an issue with which I have personally struggled. There are still moments when I even think about it, maybe for only a fleeting moment, but for that moment in time I ponder... "What would it be like? Would it hurt? How long would I be missed? How many lives would I leave a tear in for leaving in such a way? What would my son think?" Than I ask myself a seemingly inane question, something I saw once in a Superman Comic. So I say to myself after I ask all those questions "I am in pain now sure. Things kinda suck and I'm not entirely happy.... but can I promise myself that there is absolutely no chance what so ever of me ever being happy again? That there will not even be one fleeting smile left in my life?" To which I can unequivocally say no. There WILL be happiness again in my life. I will be happy again at some point, hell I might find something that makes me smile on my way to where I am going.

That's the thing. That is my key to existence and perpetual movement. Sure, life may be kinda shitty right now, but that is right now. That is not tomorrow, or next week or next month or even next year. In the coming weeks something might turn in the best for me, I might meet someone. I might get that dream assignment. I might get selected for something I have been wanting to do. My son could become something and I would never get to see the man he grew up to be.

So I survive. For survival is easy and anyone can do it. The next step is to live. To fully move forward with my life and to be happy and be something that I can be proud of.

So fight. Survive. LIVE. Find happiness for it is a moment away.